Empty

Since Friday I have been spiraling. I couldn't stop crying, I cried myself to sleep. The thought of all those children gunned down just left me broken hearted. I know we are all mourning the loss, and I am not alone.

When I saw images of the kids crying and they looked like my kids at that age, my brain plays a scene that has my kid in that tragedy, running, hiding, crying...it breaks me to know children were part of that scene for real.

I was just in the shower thinking about Christmas Eve and our plans. We are all going to wear footie pajamas, first we are ordering in Chinese food and then we are bringing  some hot chocolate to drive around looking at Christmas lights. When we get back we are watching Christmas movies.  Such happiness. Then my mind flips to Christmas eve for 20 other families...then the tears flow.

I have been trying to keep myself together for days, but on Monday I couldn't anymore. I began to cry at work and I couldn't stop. Tuesday I woke up feeling heavy and empty. I didn't go to work. Today, i'm exhausted and empty.

Yesterday, I went and saw my therapist. It was a huge help, as we talked back about six months. We unearthed my stress levels. it boiled down to this:

Work became stressful, when work had always been my happy place. I no longer had the escape. It's better now, but my stress manifested itself into physical symptoms and now i'm in the attendence support program.

I have a wonderful family who loves me. My husband is so supportive off me. But like most families, we have our issues. 

My daughter isn't passing anything in school, it pains me to watch her ruin her future.

My son is in grade 8 and his Aspergers has never been more of an issue as it is this year. I'm looking forward for him and i'm scared.

Between work and home, I have been pushed past my limits. The tragedy on Friday just finished me off.

I can handle a lot but I have something else working against me, PMDD. The topic of my last blog. My therapist believes I am suffering from that. It's great to know the whys, but it doesn't change anything.

It's like when we found out about Quinn and Aspergers, it did help us understand and change our expectations, but we knew we had a long hard future. That is me now.

So for those wondering why I am not getting out of bed or crying a lot, this is where my head is at now.

I will be meeting with a new family doctor in the new year to discuss my treatment options in hopes to stabilize.  For now, I will follow my therapists advice. Walk and breathe deep.