80th Blog!

Wow, this is my 80th blog entry and that is awesome! I can't believe that there has been 80 times I felt compelled to talk about myself.  Crazier is that some of you actually read what I have to say!

I am sitting here eating a salad. I hate salad. I dislike cold food. But something has completely won me over, its goat cheese covered in cranberries and cinnamon.  OMG. I want to eat this on everything. Right now my salad is a mix of arugula and baby spinach with some balsamic vinegar drizzled over topped with pecans and the goat cheese.  OH MAH LAWD. Its so amazing!  Doesn't it look yummy? I mean, if you are into that kind of thing - you know, delicious food!

So, as I eat I am marveling at my progress. I am having a GOOD day. Know that there some bad days, they do exist.  I have those days where I look in the mirror and my shape is the same as its always been.  That part is totally true. But what I am not seeing is how much it has shrunk.  I know logically I have shrunk, don't get me wrong. But my boobs still look like round flat pancakes that are just above my belly that is long and hanging. I call that belly the sack of feelings, or the belly flap that hid my vagina.  I know the sack has risen up as I can now see pubic hair. So that is new! I was like "Hey there old friend! Sorry I suffocated you for years and kept you in the dark, but now you are free! Breathe! See the world!"  I am now nodding nostalgically for my vagina.  Anyways, today isn't that day where I stare at the mirror and say "I have lost 87lbs from where???" No sir. Today is a day where I am going "Wow, looking good McKay!"

These days usually come after going to work and hearing everyone exclaim how different I look, so its weird I am feeling this way today.  I had a decent work out today and I am eating salad.  This can be the only explanation.  I found today at the gym I could do things better. I am not going as frequently as I should, so my goal next week is to go Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. But for only going a couple times a week, I am slightly improving. Its still very difficult for me to do a lot of the workouts, but my stamina is slowly building.  With a work out comes an energy burst, so maybe I am just on an energy high? Or maybe its because I can do simple tasks like tie my shoes, do leg stretching, and jog? I don't know all I can tell you is that right now inside I am just so happy! 

I began eating earlier in the day and that has increased my appetite. I haven't  been logging my food into MyFitnessPal as I should be, but I have decided that since the scale is steadily dropping I am not going to worry so much about that. If and WHEN I plateau I will log my food and see where I am deficit and causing the plateau.  

I am also trying not to weigh myself daily, this may sound like such a simple task but for me it just isn't.  When I have gone to the extreme of having weight loss surgery my losing is so incredibly important to me. My whole world revolves around my weight loss. I have decided to go public with it with an intention of accountability. So after everything I have gone/going through, losing is the only option. So I am admittingly obsessed with my weight, my loss and my scale.  With that being said, if I don't lose or even if I go up, I don't get a sad/angry/despair feeling. I feel nothing actually. I just go "crap" I step off and go about my day. I don't dwell on that number because I know tomorrow is a new day.  When its down, it motivates me to keep working super hard at it. Make good choices, eat often and drink my water!

Believing that I deserved a better quality of life, that was the biggest obstacle in my way. I was in my own way.  But that is gone, and now that I am already experiencing a better quality of life and the best part? I know its only going to get better!  That motivates me each and every day.

I deserve a better quality of  life. 
My husband deserves his wife to be by his side when we are old. 
My kids deserve a mother who is there for all their milestones in life. 
I deserve to live!

Today is a good day and I earned it.

Oh wow, I have not posted in this blog for a really long time! Truth is, I have been cheating.  GASP! I know. I am such a blog slut. It all began one day in February...

(I will quickly catch this blog up to speed first)

I decided to have Weight Loss Surgery, forever to be known as WLS, after my family did an impromptu intervention.  It was humiliating, heartbreaking, and completely necessary.  Essentially, my family has seen me go through weight loss programs, cleanses, healthy eating kicks, Biggest Loser competitions, active living kicks, all resulting in failure and gaining even more weight.  They were tired of watching me fail and terrified I would die soon. They encouraged me to get WLS.

I processed everything they said and had to admit to myself that I had become so uncomfortable in my own skin. I was never comfortable. Didn't matter if I was standing, sitting or walking. My joints were swollen and I could barely move, stairs no matter up or down hurt me. I laid in bed and decided I was going to get in contact with the Surgeon my friend used for her Lapband 5 years before.

I had contacted them wanting the LapBand, and they wanted my weight. I got on the scale and died. It said 321.8lbs. I knew I had hit the three hundreds, and thought I was like 305 maybe 308 at most. Nope, 321.8lbs.  Due to my BMI of like 58% they recommended the Gastric Sleeve where they remove 85% of my stomach but I keep my natural digestive flow with weight loss results of the Gastric Bypass but with less complications.  I booked it.

I had to go on a very strict pre - op diet and I lost 22lbs from the day I began that diet on January 25th to my surgery day February 19th.  Today I weight 237.6lbs. Amazing right? That is a total loss of 84.2lbs. I can now do stairs, without any pain! I can stand, sit, and sleep without feeling crushed!

I can't eat much, my WLS was a tool to prevent me from over eating.  I have to reach certain amounts of protein a day or I won't lose weight. So with such limited space, my meals can't weigh more than 3.5 oz, I am VERY choosy as to what I eat. With the drop in weight I feel renewed. I have a gym membership and I am exercising. In the beginning all I did was do Wii Fit Plus exercising.  That helped me lose a bulk of my weight.  It has only been this past month that I have a gym membership.

So that is the gyst of it. So here is the thing, I didn't want my family to know as I couldn't tell them in person, they live on the east coast and I couldn't imagine telling my mom over the phone or Facebook.  I hid it from my parents till I was going to be home in May.  So, me being the extrovert who can't keep secrets had to spill this somewhere where no one would see it.  So I created a totally seperate blog and began blogging in February pre-op and post-op. I blogged until June when I decided I wanted to video blog instead!!

Here is my secret blog that I am now ready to share with the world:

My Secret Blog

Here is my YouTube channel where I post video blogs:

YouTube Channel Vlogs

So if you want more details of what I went thru pre and post op, go to secret blog. If you would rather just have me tell you my feelings, challenges, and triumphs go to my vlog channel!

I am happy to have one place to be right now, here and with you.

I am sorry Blogger that I have been cheating on you with livejournal and YouTube. Forgive me.

Teen Mom

My teenage daughter and I started watching the show 16 and Pregnant when she was just in grade 9 and only 14. We then moved into Teen Mom.

Critics would say this show this show glamorized teen pregnancy. I would get judged for allowing my teen watch it.

I remember there was this girl very similar to my daughter in personality, who got pregnant by her boyfriend. We watched her pregnancy go by and what a loser her boyfriend was. He wouldn't get a job, spent his days and nights playing video games. He was disrespectful to her and her family. Once the baby was born, it wasn't long before he was gone.

My daughter looked at me and said "Oh my God, that is my boyfriend". The next day she broke up with her boyfriend.

After consistently seeing the baby daddy leave on 16 & Pregnant, because being a parent as a kid is way to difficult for them to handle, leaving the mom to live a very difficult life; it was evident there was a trend: the mom is always left to do it alone. The mom always expresses her regrets, and how sad she is to see her friends go out while she is home being a mom.

At 15 she was with a nice boy and admitted to having unprotected sex with him. After watching an episode of Teen Mom, she asked for birth control. She was allergic to birth control, and she was left with two options, abstinence or an IUD. We agreed on an IUD that offers 5yrs protection.

As a mother all this is hard to process especially when she is only 15 yrs old.

Fast forward 2 yrs, we are watching Teen Mom 2, and the moms are still going thru many trials and tribulations. They have baby daddy drama still, dating issues, babysitting issues, education difficulties etc. Things are still very hard for these girls after all this time. We don't see how at any point teen pregnancy was glamorized, in my household it did the opposite and inspired my teen to avoid that lifestyle.

But one thing doesn't sit right with us.  The children. I can't imagine what it will be like for them to know their childhood was documented right from when they were in the womb. Too see what their parents were like as teens. How their dads,.real or edited, were douche bags to their moms. Or in the case of Janelles son, how neither parent cared.

That puts me at a crossroads with this show, in many ways it has unglamorized teen pregnancy motivating my teen to avoid, but at the expense of the teen moms children.

Resolutions. Not.

A New Year means another chance, a new start. A do-over from the year before. To right your wrongs and do better.

Many will resolve to live better and be better. Many will succeed and many will fail.

I have been down that road so many times.  I have failed and succeeded over the years and I have been happiest on the years with no resolutions made.

There are many things I can improve on and resolve to work on this year such as:

Lose weight by adapting a better life style.

Walk my dogs every day.

Set myself up for a promotion at work.

Take up a hobby.

Have sex with my husband more.

Clean my house more.

Take a trip alone with each child. And with my husband. Give them all quality time.

That is a pretty important list and I have so much to gain by resolving to complete it. But, I won't.

I don't mean that I won't attempt to better myself, I most certainly will try, but I won't resolve. I dislike resolutions and all they stand for.  I think most of us could just recycle our lists, and have that written reminder of how we failed the year before.

It doesn't mean we can't try and succeed. Yes, we should strive for more and never give up, for many will succeed under the guise of resolutions.

I realize this sounds like the ramblings of a loser and they are.

Happy New Year and good luck with your resolutions!

Empty

Since Friday I have been spiraling. I couldn't stop crying, I cried myself to sleep. The thought of all those children gunned down just left me broken hearted. I know we are all mourning the loss, and I am not alone.

When I saw images of the kids crying and they looked like my kids at that age, my brain plays a scene that has my kid in that tragedy, running, hiding, crying...it breaks me to know children were part of that scene for real.

I was just in the shower thinking about Christmas Eve and our plans. We are all going to wear footie pajamas, first we are ordering in Chinese food and then we are bringing  some hot chocolate to drive around looking at Christmas lights. When we get back we are watching Christmas movies.  Such happiness. Then my mind flips to Christmas eve for 20 other families...then the tears flow.

I have been trying to keep myself together for days, but on Monday I couldn't anymore. I began to cry at work and I couldn't stop. Tuesday I woke up feeling heavy and empty. I didn't go to work. Today, i'm exhausted and empty.

Yesterday, I went and saw my therapist. It was a huge help, as we talked back about six months. We unearthed my stress levels. it boiled down to this:

Work became stressful, when work had always been my happy place. I no longer had the escape. It's better now, but my stress manifested itself into physical symptoms and now i'm in the attendence support program.

I have a wonderful family who loves me. My husband is so supportive off me. But like most families, we have our issues. 

My daughter isn't passing anything in school, it pains me to watch her ruin her future.

My son is in grade 8 and his Aspergers has never been more of an issue as it is this year. I'm looking forward for him and i'm scared.

Between work and home, I have been pushed past my limits. The tragedy on Friday just finished me off.

I can handle a lot but I have something else working against me, PMDD. The topic of my last blog. My therapist believes I am suffering from that. It's great to know the whys, but it doesn't change anything.

It's like when we found out about Quinn and Aspergers, it did help us understand and change our expectations, but we knew we had a long hard future. That is me now.

So for those wondering why I am not getting out of bed or crying a lot, this is where my head is at now.

I will be meeting with a new family doctor in the new year to discuss my treatment options in hopes to stabilize.  For now, I will follow my therapists advice. Walk and breathe deep.

We can "remember" any day of the year

I remembered that I wanted to blog about something I saw on September 21st.  Michelle, Stacy, Sandra and I were had just arrived back to YYC after our Vegas trip, and two husbands showed up to pick us up and we were all chatting about our trip.  Behind us tho was a scene I will never forget.

We heard the gasps and the crying first, as we turned around we could see the most beautiful sight that can be seen. I've seen it on youtube and sobbed along countless times, but it was happening right here, in front of me... a soldier coming home and seeing his baby for the first time.

The tears flowed from his eyes as he grabbed his baby and hugged and kissed it (sorry, don't know if it was a boy or a girl), all while staring at his crying bride.  Mom was on hand crying and recording everything.  He held his baby and then his wife, all of them crying.  Then went over to his mom and hugged her while they sobbed.  I don't know where came from or for how long he was gone, but from what I could see far and for too long.

I turned back to our group and all of us were moved and tears were in our eyes and we felt as tho we had just been touched by a rare moment, one that can never leave our minds.

Now, lets flash forward to Nov 11, 2012.  Kids these days just don't even get why we remember. I will take on blame for that one. I haven't taken my kids to a memorial service for them to really see first hand what its about. But I also wonder, would they care? They watch "lame" videos at school about something that happened a long time ago. I try to explain that we must understand history in order not to repeat it, but it falls on deaf ears.  With so much time passed, the meaning is getting lost.  We took the time to explain to our teens what to remember means. How we must always be grateful that so many gave their lives so we could live in the wonderful, but cold, country we live in.  

So today, and for those who read this, know we can be thankful and remember everything that our soldiers in the past, present and future sacrifice for us today and everyday.

50 Shades of Cray Cray Panda.

I chose to show someone my blogging from my 12 days of detox and realized that I haven't been around in a while.  I know I don't have any random loyal readers, just my friends when they choose to read what I am thinking. Bad grammar and all. I don't think I need to apologize, but just in case this is for you, SORRY!

Guess I didn't need to blog, or maybe, I was afraid to blog. I have been going through a lot lately. I started seeing a therapist to help me feel better. I have always believed myself to be a strong woman, but yet I found myself sobbing uncontrollably and just wanting to curl up in my bed and fall asleep. Never was I suicidal, but I was so worried I had depression.  My therapist listened to me for a long time and determined I am just stressed out, and I am just not use to it.  Most of it is from raising a teenage daughter who is sexually active, loves pot and hates school.  Its been very hard to manage, and work was always my release, but work has been so stressful as of late.  Put it all together, I was a sad panda.  Then, I was angry panda. I found myself getting very angry. Then I was panic panda. Of course came overwhelmed panda.  Honestly, I was like 50 shades of cray cray panda

After sharing my story with my girlfriends, one of the girls, Channing, shared a link with me. This is what it says:

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Like PMS, premenstrual dysphoric disorder follows a predictable, cyclic pattern. Symptoms begin in the late luteal phase of the menstrual cycle (after ovulation) and end shortly after menstruation begins.^[6]

Emotional symptoms are generally present, and in PMDD, mood symptoms are dominant.^[6] Substantial disruption to personal relationships is typical for women with PMDD.^[6]Anxiety, anger, and depression may also occur. The main symptoms, which can be disabling, include^[7]

• feelings of deep sadness or despair
• feelings of intense tension or anxiety
• increased intense sensitivity to rejection or criticism
• panic attacks
• rapid and severe mood swings, bouts of uncontrollable crying
• lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts; typically sufferers are unaware of the impact they have on those close to them
• apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships
• difficulty concentrating
• chronic fatigue
• food cravings or binge eating
• insomnia or hypersomnia; sleeping more than usual, or (in a smaller group of sufferers) being unable to sleep
• feeling overwhelmed or feelings of being out of control
• increase or decrease in sex drive
• increased need for emotional closeness

Common physical symptoms include:

• breast tenderness or swelling, heart palpitations, headaches, joint or muscle pain, swollen face and nose
• an altered view of one's body - a sensation of 'bloating', feeling fat or actual weight gain.

Five or more of these symptoms may indicate PMDD.

Click here for more information on PMDD       

Blew my mind.


I don't know what I am doing with this information, I just feel less crazy.  I am trying to manage my daughter and my reactions to her behaviour, and find some long term solutions.  Then there is the PMDD stuff. Yikes. Being a woman is tough!  Least I understand what I am going through now.

I wish I had something funny to share to close this blog, but I am just left feeling OK about what I have written. 

and....

END SCENE

*yells* GET ME SOME CHOCOLATE ITS CRAY CRAY PANDA TIME!